


and i want to know all the colours

by colourmeblue



Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: Rumblecusp is beautiful and lush anddangerous. Hell, a flower possessed her into eating it and likely could’ve killed her. But despite its dangers, it’s a paradise. Even with the threat of a volcano eruption ever present and looming. Even with the mist of unknown origin. Even with the strange people they’ve encountered while here.Oddly, aspects of Rumblecusp seem to overlap with experiences in her own life.She also seems to be attracted to things that are beautiful yet dangerous.(Spoilers for E100.)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595863
Comments: 7
Kudos: 228





	and i want to know all the colours

Rumblecusp is unlike anything Yasha has ever seen.

It’s beautiful and lush and _dangerous_. Hell, a flower possessed her into eating it and likely could’ve killed her. But despite its dangers, it’s a paradise. Even with the threat of a volcano eruption ever present and looming. Even with the mist of unknown origin. Even with the strange people they’ve encountered while here.

Oddly, aspects of Rumblecusp seem to overlap with experiences in her own life.

She also seems to be attracted to things that are beautiful yet dangerous. Maybe the people who lived here are right, and they were all brought here for a reason. Including the Mighty Nein.

It wouldn’t be the strangest thing she’s ever heard. Especially when a mysterious god is involved.

Still, with the lingering mist and the unusual amount of warmth displayed by the residents here, Yasha is a little cautious. She doesn’t trust people immediately, and she certainly won’t be letting her guard down. She knows this means she won’t be getting a lot of sleep while she’s here, but it’s the sacrifice she’ll make to keep everyone safe.

Everyone retires to the rooms they’ve been graciously given for the night, except for two people. Caleb stays up, spellbook in his lap as he scribbles things down, Veth curled up beside him. Then there’s Beau, who isn’t in the building at all.

Yasha leaves into the night air, and she’ll tell herself later that she wasn’t really _looking_ for Beau, but just happened across her. She’d be lying, but she’ll say it anyway.

Yasha knows she’s not the only one who’s noticed the slight differences in Beau as of late. A lot of the walls that were starting to come down have gone back up, and in some instances, she reverts back to the Beau that Yasha first met. 

Yasha knows well enough that doesn’t just _happen_ to a person. Something causes it. 

She finds Beau sitting just as anyone would expect to find Beau: on a branch high up in the treetops just outside of the village. Yasha couldn’t hope to climb that high without breaking _something._ Whether it was a branch or a bone in her body. The only reason she spots her at all is because she’s a mess of blue amongst the vibrant green. 

Yasha stands at the base of the tree for a moment. Beau seems lost in thought. 

“Are you, uh, staying up there all night?”

Beau’s head snaps downwards to her immediately. “Oh, hey.” She hops down to one of the lower branches with ease. “Nah, I’m just… a little on edge. There’s something about this place and the people here that seem… off. Y’know?”

Yasha nods. The mist that settles around them is basically the elephant in the room.

“What about you? Can’t sleep?”

Yasha finds it difficult to sleep _most_ nights. It doesn’t really matter where they are or what they’re up against. She’s much rather stay awake than be plagued by nightmares. 

Still, she finds that it’s rare that she gets one-on-one time with anyone anymore. The Mighty Nein live on top of one another, whether it’s on the ship or in Caleb’s bubble or packed into several rooms at an inn. While conversation tends to make her a little nervous and unsure, there are specific people she enjoys talking to alone. Beau being one of them.

“Do you…” Yasha furrows her eyebrows. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Beau looks between Yasha and the branch she’s sitting on.

“Maybe somewhere a little more accessible for, well, me.” 

Beau chuckles. “Yeah, sure.”

It’s no less than graceful how Beau jumps lightly from each branch before reaching the ground. If Yasha blinked, she likely would’ve missed it. She doesn’t disturb the plant life at all - it was like she was never there to begin with.

“Come on, there’s a spot with lower branches closer to the shore.”

The fact that Beau has already scoped out the area looking for the best branches to perch in is adorable to Yasha. She wishes it wasn’t.

Once Beau reaches the ground, Yasha followers her. The jungle is lush and thick, even close to the village, but Beau is nimble and Yasha is strong. Between the two of them, they’re able to make it through without disturbing anything or causing too much attention to themselves. Eventually, they come across some trees with thicker trunks and branches, ones that are definitely capable of supporting Yasha’s weight.

Once again, Beau manages to navigate it with ease. It takes Yasha a little longer, and she’s much more clumsy-looking, but she eventually makes it to one of the lower branches. She can smell the ocean and hear the waves crashing in the distance. It’s something she’ll probably never get used to, having spent so long in the wastes of Xhorhas. They both end up situated on neighbouring branches, mostly so that their combined weight doesn’t break one.

“So, I’ve… noticed some things. About you.” Yasha cringes as soon as she says it. “I don’t mean it in a weird way, like I’ve been watching you or anything.” _But she sort of has?_ That comes with the ‘complicated feelings’ territory she seems to tread with Beau. She pays attention to Beau. That’s how she saved her life in the cathedral, how she stepped in for her with the hag, how she threatened Beau’s father. By paying attention. 

It’s dark, but Yasha is close enough to see Beau’s facial expressions and she tries not to stare. She can’t stare when they’re in a group and she can’t stare when they’re alone. She needs to rein it in.

Beau only laughs at her rambling. “No, I get what you’re saying. Did you ‘notice’ anything good?” 

Yasha expects it to be a flirty comment, but it isn’t. Instead, Beau’s eyes are a little guarded. Something she’s seen more and more of lately. At first, Yasha thought it was because of her. That she no longer trusted her and feared what she could say around her after everything with Obann. After she massacred people belonging to the Cobalt Soul. But then, it dawned on her that Beau has been struggling since long before Yasha returned to the group.

“I’m just wondering if maybe you’re having a hard time. With things.” There’s no easy way to broach the subject, really, and Yasha’s not being particularly helpful with such vague sentences.

“Uh…” Beau rubs the back of her neck with her hand, and Yasha knows she’s hit something.

“Tell me.” The words fall out of Yasha’s mouth before she’s able to think. “You know, if you want to.”

Beau seems slightly taken aback. “Honestly? Nobody’s noticed so far, so I thought I’d gotten away with it.”

Yasha’s heart falls, because she’s sure that’s not the case. But at the same time, Beau’s struggles often don’t become a topic of conversation within the Nein. Even when it comes to Caleb and Jester and Fjord, those she’s closest to. They all have their own things going on and Beau’s problems often fall by the wayside. “I’m sorry for being observant.” 

It’s sort of a joke. Beau smiles, at least.

Yasha frowns, seeing Beau’s apprehension. “How about… you tell me one thing, and I will tell you one thing.”

Beau looks immediately intrigued by the idea. “I feel like you’re getting the worse end of this deal. You know more about me than I know about you.”

Yasha shrugs. She can’t put it into words, but she feels safe around Beau. There’s a peace she feels whenever she talks to her. She’s a good listener, when she wants to be.

Beau lets out a deep breath. “Okay, well…” She pauses. “I’m still kind of… I don’t know… fucked up after seeing my parents. And all the shit with the hag.”

Yasha nods slowly, continuing to look forward. She had a feeling this was coming.

Beau plays with her fingers. “I feel like I’m fuckin’... going backwards. As soon as I saw them, I felt like I was a kid again. And then there’s TJ… what if he ends up fucked up like me because he stays in that environment?” She puts her head in her hands before sighing. “I don’t know.”

Yasha’s a bad person to turn to for advice in general, so she’s sure this conversation will certainly take an interesting turn. “That makes sense. I think if I went back to my tribe, I would change too.”

Beau looks at her for a moment, as if she wants to probe further, but she doesn’t. “I know there are more important things going on, and I’m so used to… not bringing up any weakness, so it’s just hard now.”

“I know you don’t like to talk about things.” Neither does Yasha. She gets it. “But… I think this group is the one to talk to about it.” She can’t reassure Beau that it isn’t weakness, because that would be hypocritical of her. Yasha still thinks every negative feeling she’s ever had is weakness. She’s just as bad as Beau is. 

Yasha remembers her conversation with Caleb while they were on watch. Opening up seems to work best for Beau and Yasha when it’s quiet. One-on-one. 

“You’re right.”

It’s not something Yasha’s used to hearing, but she’ll take it. “I could…” She holds on tightly to her next statement, almost afraid to let it go. “I’ve been told I’m a great listener.” That was Molly’s doing. “Mostly because I don’t speak.”

Another joke. Another Beau laugh. It warms Yasha from the inside out.

“You know, maybe I’ll take you up on it when we’re not in a death jungle.”

Yasha chuckles lightly. She’ll consider that progress.

Beau clears her throat, as if she’s trying to expel any of the emotion she’s currently feeling. “What about you? What’s your deep, dark secret?”

Yasha almost laughs, because there are so many to choose from. Some she absolutely won’t touch, like her strange burgeoning feelings for Beau, or anything about Zuala. At least, not right now.

“Well…” She doesn’t look at Beau as she speaks. “After Obann, I almost left. I still think about it sometimes.” She still feels entirely unworthy to be in their presence, but she doesn’t know how to say that out loud.

She can see Beau frowning beside her. “Well, that would’ve fuckin’ sucked.”

Yasha feels warm. “Yes, I think so too.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I…” Yasha’s brows furrow together. “I don’t think I want to be alone anymore.” At first she was with the Nein because of Molly, and after his death, she stayed with them out of respect for him. Because protecting them is what _he_ would’ve wanted. Now, she’s known the Nein for the same amount of time as she knew Molly. Things are different.

Beau nods, as if she understands completely. She remains silent for a long moment, eventually choosing not to comment on it. She doesn’t need to. “You, uh, remember the first time we took watch together?” She looks at Yasha out of the corner of her eye with a slight smirk. 

“Yes.” Of course she does. She remembers every single watch they’ve had together. Especially the last one. “It feels like so much time has passed, but also none.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

And look at them now. Talking. Sharing things about themselves. Despite Yasha’s heart hammering in her chest whenever Beau looks at her, she can actually hold a conversation with her. Sort of.

Beau lets out a heavy breath. “Well… I’m glad you didn’t run. We really need you.”

“Oh.” Yasha’s heart is in her throat. Her stomach churns. Even though they’ve been more open with one another lately, she’s never heard anything like that come from Beau. Now she’s definitely not going anywhere. “Well, thank you, Beau.”

A pause. 

“I’m glad you didn’t go either. When we met the hag, I mean.”

Beau chuckles. Yasha notes that she sounds… almost nervous. “I haven’t forgotten that you stepped up first to protect me.”

Yasha ducks her head. The fact that she cares for Beau is far too obvious at this point. She wishes she hid it better. “I… didn’t have enough ‘new misery’ for her.”

“Good.” Beau’s response is immediate, and Yasha turns to look at her. “I don’t want you to have any new misery.”

Yasha can’t reach her but she wishes she could. _Fuck_ , she wishes she could. Instead, she just sits and feels everything. From the nausea in her stomach to the racing of her heart. She’s not sure if Beau notices the sudden shift.

“We should, um…” Beau points down to the ground. Maybe she did notice. Maybe she’s made it awkward.

“We should,” Yasha agrees. They really should. If they’re exhausted the next day, it’s not going to be good for anyone. But at the same time, she does have another idea. She reaches behind and pulls out Veth’s flask. _Someone_ needs to make use of it, right? “Or… we could not.”

The smile on Beau’s face is worth it. “Yasha, you are speaking my language.”

Yasha tosses it in her direction and she watches Beau take a huge swig. Magically enchanted flasks are either a blessing or a curse.

“C’mon,” Beau starts, tossing the flask back to Yasha. She already seems a little bolder. “Tell me more.”

Yasha flushes. She takes a sip from the flask in an attempt to disguise it. “It’s _your_ turn, Beau.” She tosses the flask back.

Beau narrows her eyes. It’s a game they’re playing now. “Okay, fine.” She pauses for a moment, thinking, before beginning a story from back when she was in Kamordah.

Yasha finally lets herself stare as they pass the flask back and forth. Just a little, but it’s more than she’d usually allow herself to. From the thin layer of sweat, thanks to the humidity, to the parts of her hair that are growing too long for the bun she wears it in, Yasha is as enraptured as always.

She’s trying to listen to Beau’s story as best she can, but she’s a little _too_ focused.

Opening up. Allowing herself to feel. Maybe she’s a step closer. Maybe there’s a chance of happiness here.

Maybe.


End file.
